Boy or Girl? I'm Going Crazy.

Okay, maybe it's not driving me crazy.

Anymore.

...But it was in the earlier in the second trimester. Like, I was obsessive. It ate me alive in some moments and all I could think about while my 4 other little ones ran around destroying my house and I ignored laundry (though nothing new there...). While everyone in my due date group (and I'm in, like, 5) was finding out if they were welcoming a boy or girl addition to their family, I was sitting here at my computer sighing. I'm excited for everyone else, I really am. And I shall live vicariously through them and their cute little ultrasounds and Facebook announcements.

I'd pass a cute gender specific outfit at the store or consignment sale, but couldn't justify buying it (and I donated all our baby girl clothes, eek!). Thank goodness my favorite color teal is pretty gender neutral. Thankfully we don't truly need much, this being baby #5. But if it's a girl, I trust God will provide a year's worth of wardrobe for her somehow!

In my wondering obsessive moments about this little human being kicking me from the inside (cannot ever get over the awe of that miracle!), I've explored every old wive's tell there is. So here's my responses to those, just for fun:

• Cravings: Salty, vinegar things, (pizza, tomato based things, pickles, eggs/veggies, bacon, etc), only sweets I wanted for a long time was fresh fruit/smoothies. Same as with Jaxson. My girls I wanted super sweets, like milkshakes.

• Heart Rate: Mid 130-to mid 140's for a while. Lately has gone up to the 150's (Jax was higher too though). My girls were always 160's.

• Morning Sickness: HORRIBLE! The worst yet. Much like with my son. But worse. My girls were all easier on the morning sickness and much more manageable to control with food. With Jaxson, and this baby, nothing really helped. This time all I could do to prevent it was not move (kind of impossible as a mom of 4 all summer, but we survived).

• Ring test: Said Boy

• Placenta theory: Unknown (getting an ultrasound in November and will ask then!)

• Nub theory: Unknown (this was accurate for my others, but couldn't get a good look to guess at my earlier ultrasound. Oh, God has a sense of humor for my need to be in the know!)

• Skin: Very blemish until recently-- indicates girl

• Hair Growth: Much slower!-- tale says that means girl, but this is opposite compared to my girls that I grew faster with

• Baby's Movements: So far has been calmer, sporadic more like my girls. Jax was a wild man. I suspect a placenta in front though that may be buffering some movements.

• Chinese Prediction Chart: Says girl

• Carrying High or Low: Higher, like some of my girls. Looks just like a Sadie belly. However, still attributing my more toned/higher/smaller belly to my Fit2B workouts more so than gender.

• Pregnancy dreams: I've had 2 girl dreams and 1 boy dream. The boy dream was more realistic, a sweet scene of us nursing after birth. The girl dreams were either of a horrific miscarriage or giving birth to a gigantic, happy baby girl.

• My gut feeling: I'm still thinking boy based on how I felt in 1st trimester, plus having spent a lot of time in prayer before and during this pregnancy-- placing trust in His plan for our family-- I know God has promise us a boy. Whether that is with this pregnancy or another avenue down the road, we shall see. When I pray about it I hear His gentle whisper, "I will give you your heart's desire" much like Psalm 37:4 says, "Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart's desires."

But then, I start doubting myself with my mixed bag of silly gender prediction results. I doubt God's voice He has constantly whispered when I've asked. I get confused. Then sometimes I get crazy thinking about it and trying to guess and re-guess over and over.  I worry that if I set my heart into thinking this is a boy, I may be disappointed if a girl does come out (gender disappointment is real, y'all.) I'll love this baby regardless, we all will! We trust in whatever family God thinks is best for our family, but I can't deny we'd all have to process it a bit. Why can't I just hold it loosely and wait for His perfectly timed birth? It's a cycle of peace and internal craziness, this being "team green" thing.

I'm holding onto the image and the moment it will all be worth it in the end. I've got a birth photographer all lined up to capture it even. Not just my face in those moments after birth, when my work will not only yield a precious baby and relief, but also our faces of shock and delight with whatever the Lord has given us.  I can't wait to see my husband's reaction (who has wanted to be "team green" since our first child together!) and this baby's older siblings, too! It'll be worth it. This very well may be our last, and it'll be worth it.

I repeat that to myself daily...it'll be worth it...