- Leah Outten
I Don't See the Big Picture
I get being "late." I do. I've learned by now it's just how I bake my babies. Long and slow. I've come to terms with that and I've learned how to keep myself physically comfortable (thank you, chiropractic care!) and emotionally stable (most days) as I wait. I've learned to treasure the extra days and weeks, realizing that I get extra time to enjoy the knee rolls and a baby bump that I love. I may never get to do this again, so I will treasure it.
What I don't see what is what God is doing right now. I'm 41 weeks and a few days. This baby HAS to come out within the next few days. While I'm supposed to be doing all I can to start labor, my 3 kids are downstairs the sickest they have ever been with the flu or some nasty virus like it. Why now? WHY?
My husband is being the awesome single dad man downstairs, while I stay upstairs to avoid the germs. Their fevers have gotten as high as 104, which wouldn't be so good for a pregnant momma and a baby inside, OR for a brand new baby if she ever decides to come out. But, while he tends to our sick kids and awaits catching the sickness too...I've now lost my rock and my biggest emotional support, both now, and when labor does start. Most likely we BOTH will need a caretaker in the next week if he is sick and I'm on baby moon bed rest, plus needing care for our 3 older kids.
I don't see what you are doing, God. I just don't. My heart breaks that I can't take care of my own kids without risking the health of my newest child. I haven't seen their faces or felt their hugs in days. I've cried over missing them and not being that person to snuggle while they rest and bring them hot tea. My heart breaks that my husband, who is my everything in life but especially during labor, can't even be here to hold my hand as I will be pushing our 4th child into the world. Yes, I have wonderful friends and midwives who can and will support me too, but it isn't the same. They aren't one with my soul like he is. They aren't this child's father, who should be able to watch that miracle take place.
I truly don't know if it is best to keep Sadie in longer as 42 weeks nears closer and closer in hope it keeps her safer inside and to wait out these germs, or to keep encouraging her out? What I do know is that God has put me in a place where I clearly have no control. These past weeks God has reminded me over and over of His sovereignty and that I'm trying to control this birth. But now, God has placed me in a whole new humble place where I have no clue what is best for Sadie right now and all I can do is surrender to His plan. I have to trust that the people meant to be at this birth will be here, whether that includes my husband or not. I may have a birth photographer here, I may not. I may have a friend here to hold me up, I may not. Heck, this baby could just fall out after 20 minutes of contractions like this lady and not even the midwives make it!
At least God can see the big picture. I trust that He will provide for our needs. That is the only thing bringing me peace right now as I wait.
Tomorrow I officially will be the most pregnant I have ever been.